Handsome Girl
by Celestial-Vapidity
Summary: Red finds out that Nicky's dealing with much more than she lets on, and is determined to help however she can. (Formerly: Room for Error, Margin for Error)
1. Mark You

**Author's Note:** Ugh, so I'm not even sure if I should have put this up. Basically this is a vent fic based somewhat on personal experience. If only I could have more frequent therapy sessions, right? Then I wouldn't have to write so much weird angst, lmao. Eh, then again, y'all seem to enjoy my angst. The title is taken from Handsome Girl by Danielle Ate the Sandwich. Anyway, 'malyshka' is Russian for 'little girl'. Sorry for churning out so much stuff aside from COTR lately. I've just needed a break from it. Sorry y'all. I'll get back to it soon-ish. I hope you enjoy this. And yes, before you ask, there will be more than one chapter. If you are struggling with self-harm or suicidal thoughts, please seek help. The number for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. There is also the Crisis Text Line that you can reach by texting 'HOME' to 741741. **_WARNING:_ ** This chapter contains graphic self-harm, blood, mental health issues, depression and its symptoms, references to abuse, intrusive thoughts, self-hatred, references to child neglect, and references to drug abuse and drug addiction.

* * *

Red wakes up with a start. She has no idea why, but she feels terrified. As usual, she listens to her instincts, and gets up to check on Nicky. It's still dark, and the rest of the inmates are asleep.

However, upon going to Nicky's bunk, she finds it empty. But, there is a slight whimpering coming from beneath it. Red really wants to avoid kneeling down, what with her back, if she can, so she tries to call for her girl first.

"Nicky?" She whispers. She gets a little sniffle, then another whimper in response, this one obviously directed at her. She sighs.

"Come out. Whatever's wrong, we'll figure it out."

Nicky whines a little, before slowly inching her way out from under her bunk. Red sees that her hair has a few dust bunnies from the floor in it, and that she's crying. The older woman goes to her daughter and presses a kiss to her forehead.

"Let's go get you cleaned up, hmm? Come on, honey."

Red gently leads her daughter to the dorm bathrooms, which are luckily empty. Upon turning on the light, she lets out a gasp. "Oh, Nicky, honey…What happened?"

The blonde is sobbing, shaking slightly, but that's not the worst part. Her arms have long scratches, some bloody, and there's a bruise on her forehead. Her fingernails have blood caked beneath them.

"I'm so sorry, Mommy," The blonde sobs, as her mother wraps her arms around her and holds her close.

"Nicky…Did you do this?"

"Don't hate me," the blonde whimpers.

"Tell me why, Nicky. I need to know how to help you," Red says desperately. _First it was dealing with her addiction, and now this?_ Red would never abandon her girl, but she's terrified that getting through her addiction wasn't enough. She knows that Nicky has her own mental health issues, as much as she hates to admit it. _Is this a random occurrence of self-harm or has this been building for a while?_

"I'm just…Most of the time I think I'm ok. But, I still have this fucking voice in the back of my head telling me how bad I am. And sometimes the rest of my head believes it. I have to be ok, because as much as you baby me, I'm still known as one of the strong ones," Nicky cries, not facing Red.

"Oh, malyshka," Red whispers, tears in her own eyes now.

"You're my mom. You always are. But you weren't there for my childhood or part of my adulthood. I'm not blaming you. But, as much as I've told you about how fucked up I am, you don't know everything about my problems," She whispers, staring at her feet.

Red grabs the blonde's chin, making her look up at her. "You listen to me. We're going to figure this out. Because I want to have been there. And I want to make things ok. Even if I can never make it up, I want to do the best I can to try. And I'm no therapist, but I think that you need to talk about this and whatever else is banging around in your brain and making you hurt. You can talk to one of the counselors or to Alex, if you don't want to talk to me. Will you talk to somebody about this?"

"…Ok. I'll do it. I'm tired, Ma. I wanna go to bed."

"Ok, honey. But let's clean you up first," Red sighs, relieved that Nicky plans to seek help.

"Can I sleep in your bed tonight?" Nicky asks, eyes big and shining.

Red smiles faintly. "Of course, baby."


	2. The Words They Have Chosen

**Author's Note:** So, I've changed the name of this thing twice now. How about that, huh? Anyway, yet another fic from me where (SPOILERS) Nicky is trans. I totally headcanon that Nicky is pretty tight with Sophia. And Red maybe has a slight crush on Sophia. Again, headcanons. Anything is possible in them. Btw, I'm a trans man, not a trans woman or a non-binary person. So, if I've gotten anything wrong about trans women, please don't hesitate to tell me. I don't wanna disrespect my sisters out there. I hope you enjoy this! _**WARNING:**_ This chapter contains mentions of self-harm, blood, mentions of food, references to sex, reclaimed homophobic/lesbophobic/queerphobic slurs, depression and its symptoms, anxiety and its symptoms, gender dysphoria, transphobic language (unintentionally), transphobia, references to menstruation, and references to child abuse.

* * *

The next morning, Red goes to work with a feeling of fear in the back of her mind. _What has Nicky been keeping quiet about. 'You don't know everything about my problems.' What does that mean?_

She decides to try and find Nicky after work, but in the meantime, try to distract herself with her cooking. A good distraction usually helps her calm down, after all. She will need to be calm about this. Nicky was behaving like a frightened animal. Red knows she will have to treat her like one.

* * *

Nicky scrubs frustratedly at the blood underneath her fingernails. It seems that as much as she digs beneath them with a fingernail clipper, some blood will have to remain for now. She growls, and turns off the sink, throwing down her nail clippers in anger.

"Whoa, there, Nichols. What'd that clipper ever do to you?"

The blonde jumps, and turns to see Boo, smirking at her. Nicky scowls. "The file is shit at cleaning, that's what it did to me."

"Oh shit, what happened to you?"

Nicky realizes, with a jolt of panic, that Boo's eyes are on her bloody fingernails. "Eh, you know how it is. These baby-dykes don't know how to track their goddamn periods, and this shit happens."

Boo nods in agreement, and proceeds to begin ranting about unskilled Sapphics having to be trained. Nicky sends a silent prayer up to whatever higher power there may be, that her friend bought her excuse.

* * *

After several hours of preparing food, and mentally rehearsing what she'll say to her daughter, Red puts away her apron, and proceeds to head to the dorms. She finds Nicky in her bunk, wearing long-sleeves to hide her scratches and reading a book. Red slowly sits down next to the blonde, cautiously, so as not to scare her off.

"Are you ready to talk?"

Nicky sighs, and looks over her book at her mother. She blinks, before dog-earing the page she's on, and setting it aside. "Yeah. But, can we go somewhere private? I don't want people to hear this shit."

"The greenhouse?"

"Fine with me."

* * *

Upon arriving in the greenhouse, Red shuts the door behind them, and turns to face the blonde. Nicky has sat down on an upturned bucket, and is twiddling her thumbs, obviously nervous. Red turns over another bucket, and sits across from her.

"So. Now for the hard part, huh?" Nicky chuckles, glancing up.

"Yes. If you want it to be," Red says solemnly.

"So, first off, I should say why I was acting all self-destructive last night, I guess. Well, uh…You know my relationship with Marka is shitty as all hell? And that my birthday was last week? Uh…She sent me a card."

"I don't want to invalidate your feelings, but why would a card upset you that much?" Red asks carefully.

"Because it was addressed to her son, and not her daughter," Nicky says, staring at the floor.

Red's brow furrows. "You have a brother?"

Nicky barks out a laugh. "Nope. Only child."

"I don't understand."

Nicky sighs. "I didn't think you would. At least, not at first. Uh, I'm not…I'm not what you think I am. I mean, I am now. But I wasn't before."

"You're confusing me more, Nicky. Can you explain in a way I might understand better?" Red is gentle with her words, she genuinely wants to understand. Nicky tries to keep that in mind as she anxiously tugs at her hair.

"You know Sophia Burset, right? Really tall black lady, used to be a firefighter, runs the salon."

"Of course, I do. She's very kind and very strong, I admire that," Red smiles.

"Well, you also know she's…"

"Do I know that she was born a man? Yes, I do."

Nicky cringes at the statement. ' _Born a man.'_ "Yeah, she was assigned male at birth. So, uh, here goes nothing…I was too."


	3. I Was Not Myself, But It Was Love I Felt

**Author's Note:** Whoo, I'm back. I kept going back and forth on what I wanted for this chapter, before eventually deciding on this. Maybe I'll incorporate my other ideas into a later chapter of this, if I write one. I'm still not sure if I will. Anyway, 'Malyshka' is Russian for 'little girl', and 'moya malen'kaya l'vitsa' is Russian for 'my little lioness' according to Google Translate. The title of this chapter, as well as some of Nicky's thoughts are taken from Lack by Told Slant, which is such an angsty trans song. Also, I'm taking Nicky's need for distraction from myself. When I'm having a bad time mentally, I need to do something tactile and distracting, or else all the bad shit will get to me and make things even worse for me. Also, the other trans woman that Nicky mentions is Sophia. I wasn't sure if that was clear. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this! _**WARNING:**_ This chapter contains self-hatred, self-blaming, transphobia, outing, disowning, mentions of abuse, mentions of child neglect, depression and its symptoms, anxiety and its symptoms, and food.

* * *

Nicky stares at the ground, waiting for rejection. It's what she's used to after all. Every time she's every told people who really matter, she's gotten shit for it.

* * *

 _Nicky's first girlfriend was in 8th grade. Everything seemed great for a while. But, eventually, Nicky couldn't hide who she was anymore. She'd known for long enough for it to be a problem._

 _After telling her, the other girl had dumped her. Nicky wouldn't have been mad if it was just because the other girl was straight and didn't want to date another girl. However, it had been more disgust and less heterosexuality that had caused it. The other girl had proceeded to tell other kids at school._

* * *

 _Nicky didn't come out to her birthmother until she was 18. She knew that Marka cared more for money and image than she did for her own child. All the abuse and neglect showed that. Still, she felt like she had to._

 _She had been kicked out, and had gone to stay with a friend. They didn't talk after that unless they had to, or it was a birthday or holiday. It was freeing, in one way, and painful in another._

* * *

"If you're gonna disown me, then do it now. I can't stand it being so quiet."

"Nicky, look at me, honey," Red says, voice gentle.

Nicky glances up at her mother, feeling the tears entering her eyes. She rubs aggressively at them. _Don't cry, stupid fuck._ Red comes closer, and takes her hands, squeezing them tightly.

"Malyshka, there is nothing in this world that could make me stop loving you. You're my child. I don't care if you're my daughter or my son, or if you're anything else. I just want you to be you. No matter who that is. Do you hear me, little girl? You're mine, and that's not going to change."

Nicky nods, struggling to hold in her sobs. Red tugs her into her lap and holds her close, head to her chest. The blonde can't hold back any longer, and begins sobbing. The pain of years without love or affection, and having to keep secrets for fear of rejection by her loved ones, finally beginning to come out of her.

Red rubs her back, soothingly, rocking them back and forth. "I want you to know that nothing has to change between us, because of this. You're still my daughter, and you're still a woman to me. I won't tell anyone else unless you want me to. Now, I might ask a question now and then, but I promise I will do my best not to be offensive or too intrusive. But, if I am, please tell me. I don't ever want to upset or hurt you. You're so strong. You're a little warrior. I love you so much, moya malen'kaya l'vitsa."

The younger woman looks up at her mother hesitantly, tears still in her eyes. "There's only one other person in here who knows about this, and she's trans too. I never planned on telling anyone here. Every time I've told someone who's important to me, they've rejected me. I know you say you accept me. I want to believe you, so badly. But the part of my head that's used to rejection and people hating me for this is having trouble. It's not your fault. It's just hard for the logical part of my head to agree with the emotional part," Nicky whispers.

"What can I do to help you?" Red asks softly.

"It's not something for _you_ to fix. It's just my brain. You can be there. I just need somebody who'll be here, right now."

"Ok. Do you need to think about it, or do you need a distraction?"

Nicky smiles a little at how well her mother knows her. Red knows that Nicky often needs to be distracted when she's having a bad time, or else she'll be forced to think about it, and make it worse. _I need times when all I have to think about are my muscles, and my arms and legs, and the blood and oxygen in them._

"Got any new seeds you wanna plant in the garden?"

"I actually need to dig some holes for the cabbages," Red replies, smiling.

"But Ma, cabbages smell gross when they're cooked!" Nicky complains, obviously feeling more like her normal self.

"Then you can have your cabbage raw."


End file.
